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2013届高三英语书面表达专题指导、练讲及习作评析(第三部分考场习作评析)(4)


第三部分 2013届高考英语 书面表达考场习作评析 (四)

试题来源:江苏省石庄高级中学
? ? 1.描述图画; ? 2.就图画所反映的内容进行评论或提出自己的建议; ? 3.词数:150左右。

2013届书面表达指导与练习 请你根据下列这幅图写一篇英语短文。要求:

这是我们仿照北京市高考所出的 题

目。跟北京卷不同的是本书面 表达要求词数达到150左右。同时 考生可以按照半开放式作文的方 法进行写作,也可以按照开放式 作文的方法进行写作。我们这儿 所选的考场习作为开放式的。

【考场习作】
(1)This is a vivid picture, which conveys thought-provoking messages. (2)In the picture, several factory chimneys stand, from which clouds of thick black smoke are being given off. (3)Then a man wandering around the factory with a cigarette in his mouth, feels confused when he noticed the non-smoking sign on the wall. (4)He wondered why what the factory does doesn’t agree with what it says? ? (5)It’s funny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there. (6)Compared to the amount of smoke given off by the factory, the cigarette smoke is nothing at all. (7)However, actually there exist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of themselves, which is hard to convince others. (8)As an old saying goes “sweep before your own door”. (9)Therefore we must be strict with ourselves before we are strict with others. (10)Only in this way can we build up a harmonious society.
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【习作评析】
? 在评析考生考场习作之前,先让我们来看一 看该书面表达的最基本的要点是什么。 ? 1.描述图片内容 ? 2.自己的评论 ? 【总体评价】 ? 全文共10句154字。描述图片内容不仅全面, 还为自己的评论打下了伏笔。评论也做到了 有理有利有节。比较好地完成了题目所规定 的任务。阅卷老师判分为21分(满分为25 分)。

【习作的亮点】
? 1.习作根据作者自身水平较多使用了复合句。全文共有七句为复合句。充分显示了作

? ? ? ? ? ?

?

者在写议论文方面的扎实的基本功。 (1)This is a vivid picture, which conveys thought-provoking messages. (2)In the picture, several factory chimneys stand, from which clouds of thick black smoke are being given off. (3)Then a man wandering around the factory with a cigarette in his mouth, feels confused when he noticed the non-smoking sign on the wall. (4)He wondered why what the factory does doesn’t agree with what it says? (5)It’s funny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there. (7)However, actually there exist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of themselves, which is hard to convince others. (8)As an old saying goes “sweep before your own door”.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

2.高级词汇的使用较多 vivid 生动的 thought-provoking 发人深省的 Forbid 禁止 Exist 有,存在 Restrict 限制 Convince 使信服 build up 建立 Harmonious 和谐的

? 3.句子结构颇为复杂,如果你不仔细揣摩,就有可能 认为是错句。 ? 如:(4)He wondered why what the factory does doesn’t agree with what it says? ? 本句含有三个从句: ? 一是He wondered why...宾语从句; ? 二是what the factory does主语从句; ? 三是what it says宾语从句。 ? doesn’t agree with是why...宾语从句中谓语。 ? 本句意思是:他很纳闷,这家工厂为什么言行不 ? 一呢。

? 4.运用对比的手法,增加了文章感染力和说服力。 ? 如:(5)It’s funny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there. ? 本句用一个“while”表示了强烈的对比。 ? 本句的意思是:这家工厂一边排放着浓烟,而一边又 要禁止人们抽烟,真是滑稽可笑。 ? 紧接着又用对比的手法: ? (6)Compared to the amount of smoke given off by the factory, the cigarette smoke is nothing at all.来进一步增 强文章的感染力。

? 5.谚语的使用彰显了主题。 ? As an old saying goes “sweep before your own door”.“正如谚语所说的那样:正人先正己”不 但引起了下文而且突出了本文的主题。 ? 6.最后一句使用了倒装句给全文也增色不少。 ? Only in this way can we build up a harmonious society. ? 只有这样我们才能建立一个和谐的社会。

【习作的缺点】

? 1.动词时态运用上有错误 ? 本篇书面表达所使用的时态应该是现在时。习作在描 述图画时,却犯了致命的错误。第(3)(4)两句时态 运用上混乱。而且又是在第一段,这样给阅卷老师留下 了很不好的印象。如果阅卷老师不耐心继续看下去的话, 恐怕这位考生的习作得分数最多不会超过17分。 ? (3)Then a man wandering around the factory with a cigarette in his mouth, feels confused when he notices the non-smoking sign on the wall. ? (4)He wonders /is wondering why what the factory does doesn’t agree with what it says?

2.本习作运用的复杂句过多, 不仅给人以故弄玄虚之嫌, 而且使文章过于呆板,显得 不是那么错落有致。 ? 根据以上两点我们将习作修 改如下:
?

?

This is a vivid picture, which conveys thought-provoking messages. In the picture, several chimneys in the factory are giving off clouds of thick black smoke. A young passing by the factory with a cigarette in his mouth, feels confused when he notices the nonsmoking sign on the wall. He is wondering why what the factory does doesn’t agree with what it says? ? It’s funny that the factory is producing thick smoke while smoking is forbidden there. Compared to the amount of smoke given off by the factory, smoking is nothing at all. However, actually there exist quite a few people who only know how to restrict others instead of themselves, which is hard to convince others. As an old saying goes “sweep before your own door”. Therefore we must be strict with ourselves before we are strict with others. Only in this way can we build up a harmonious society.

参考答案1(评论式)
?

This is a funny and instructive picture. In the picture, a young man is smoking happily in a factory when he sees a sign which means “No smoking” on the wall. But he finds that the factory is giving off large quantities of heavy smoke which makes him feel very puzzled, “Why does the factory forbid people to smoke while it itself gives off so much poisonous smoke?” ? What the picture above reflects is a common phenomenon which should be taken into consideration. In our daily life, some people make rules to restrict others but on the contrary, they often break the rules. For example, parents urge their kids not to play electronic games while they often play them even when they are having meals. Shouldn’t parents set an example to their kids? ? Nowadays, there exist quite a few people who are strict with others, yet tolerant to themselves. And it is hard to convince others. So in my opinion, only if we should be more strict with ourselves will we qualify for asking others for much.

参考答案2(建议式)
? This is a funny and instructive picture. In the picture, a young man is smoking happily in a factory when he sees a sign which means “No smoking” on the wall. But he finds that the factory is giving off large quantities of heavy smoke which makes him feel very puzzled, “Why does the factory forbid people to smoke while the factory itself emits so much poisonous smoke?” ? Nowadays, many factories know the danger of smoking to themselves and don’t allow people smoking in the factory. However, they don’t pay any attention to the danger that they cause to the whole society. And they let out lots of polluted smoke which does great harm to our environment. ? In my opinion, we could live without most of the industrial products, but we could not survive without nature! Therefore, something must be done to prevent the pollution caused by all factories!


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